what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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