In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
