My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
