its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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