She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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