Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
