Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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