Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
