the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
