We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
