Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
