How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
