can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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