WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
