My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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