At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
