Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
