TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
