Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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