Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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