I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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