whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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