the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
