My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it's great music for shaving your balls
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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