im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
