I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
