listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
