I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
