My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
