OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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