hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
