I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
