Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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