There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
