Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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