Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
