The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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