Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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