I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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