Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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