so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
