My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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