I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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