She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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