forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
