Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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