I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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