Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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