Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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