We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
