i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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