he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
