just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
